| Symptom |
Fault |
Action Required |
| Drinking fails to give taste and
satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. |
Glass empty. |
Find someone who will buy you another
beer. |
| Drinking fails to give taste and
satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. |
Mouth not open when drinking or glass
applied to wrong part of face. |
Buy another beer and practice in front of
mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. |
| Feet cold and wet. |
Glass being held at incorrect angle. |
Turn glass other way up so that open end
points toward ceiling. |
| Feet warm and wet. |
Improper bladder control. |
Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while
complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. |
| Floor blurred. |
You are looking through bottom of empty
glass. |
Find someone who will buy you another beer. |
| Floor swaying. |
Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to
air-hockey game in progress. |
Insert broom handle down back of jacket. |
| Floor moving. |
You are being carried out. |
Find out if you are being taken to another
bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. |
| Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and
florescent light strip across it |
You have fallen over backward. |
If your glass is full and no one is standing
on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up,
lash yourself to bar. |
| Everything has gone dim, mouth full of
cigarette butts. |
You have fallen forward. |
See above. |
| Everything has gone dark. |
The Bar is closing. |
Panic. |
| Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures. |
Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations. |
Cover mouth. |
| You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and
wet. You cannot see your bedroom. |
You have spent the night in the gutter. |
Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.
If not, treat yourself to a lie-in |
stolen from 
